And the truth is that we’re messy.
I’m messy. I’m an emotional mess. I’m ups and downs.
And you’re not any better.
We’re messy in our own little twirls and each other’s whirls.
But apart we can see the sparks that we’ve left for each other.
The tiny things that make us smile each day.
Apart we can grow into our best selves — the world should prepare!
And we’re only better because we’ve been through all of this.
We’re better fossilized in each other’s memories, for all the best bits and the worst.
So that we’re untangled.
I love you.
I’ll always love you forever for as long as I’m alive.
It’s better to spend a little more for your own personal living room to dance in for just yourself and no one else.
You need this.
You need that space that’s all yours. It’s not just the physical space. It’s the emotional space that’s all yours.
You need a mirror to dance in front of so you can see that you’re beautiful.
You need to see your own beauty dancing in front of you. It’s not something that can be captured in a still image. You come to see that when you dance long enough to yourself in your own personal space.
Your own little paradise.
Your own little paradise that you feel safe in, where you can blast your favorite music that you feel completely at home in.
I’m a 20-something-year-old in 2017 in a big city. I am a graduate student with big hopes and dreams — just like the rest of ’em. I don’t have much in my little studio, but it’s cozy here. I don’t have much to spend on this summer, but I’m glad to spend enough on this little paradise of mine.
And I think that’s a good starting point.
Here is what it is. I was there for you. I was there for you, even after you tried to chase me away. When you let me stay, I devoted myself to taking care of you over and over again. I dedicated my life to taking care of you all that time over and over again. I knew you were not good for me, but I naively thought that if I was nothing but good to you, someday you’d value me for what I’ve done. But no, you break me down over and over again, and still, I was there. There was a point when I asked myself whether staying or running away was the strong thing to do, but it quickly became clear that I stayed because I was afraid to run away. You kept breaking me down and consuming my life. Then you told me that I meant nothing and made me realized that I’ve done it all for nothing. That’s where it really hurt. But that’s not it. You tried to take it back and make me question it more and kept dragging me along. I really thought that there was something real at some point, but it turned out that there was really nothing. You never cared, and I was never anything to you. I’m still broken apart and I’m still trying to regain my life back. You think it’d be fine to just be friends and use me while not valuing me, but no. This is why I said good-bye. This time I choose to take care of myself.
But it hurts so fucking bad because it wasn’t all bad.
It wasn’t all bad.
If I think of all the good things right now, I’d just break down and cry.
I don’t know why I keep thinking about that night. I got drunk two nights before and said nasty things to you, and you told me the morning after that it was a bad idea, that you should cancel that dinner we were going to go to. I convinced you not to. Told you I made a mistake. That I was looking forward to the dinner. I spent so much time thinking about what I was going to wear. I even bought a second outfit after already picking out one almost a week before. You said okay.
You picked me up, and I ran out of my apartment in that outfit. That lacy top and the expensive silver skirt I fell in love with and couldn’t really afford but bought anyway. That choker on my neck that you joked about but said you loved, my face dressed in makeup I’ve been practicing.
I thought it wasn’t going to happen. You said you had a meeting and wanted me to check if we could move the dinner. But eventually you picked me up, and I ran to the car.
We thought we might be a little late, but we made it. And it was wonderful. I hope you thought I was beautiful. I hope you realized you loved me the way I realized I loved you.
I remember that cold night, waiting for a ride home. Then we made it back to my place, where I quickly changed and grabbed my things to go over to your place for the night. You said you missed me when we were on the bed.
And the magic died over and over again after that night. It died the day after. It died when we left the city for the holidays. It died this spring, and now I guess it’s forever gone this summer. Maybe it was never there, and it was all in my head.
I loved you. I still love you. I don’t know when I’ll stop loving you.
That’s why I have to say good-bye today. I can’t keep going on this way. I’ve lived a year without light. It’s been a lie. You’ve hurt me over and over again. You’ve never really cared. I’ve given up so much for you, and you never really cared. You’ve destroyed me.
How does one recover from that. I let myself get consumed by your life. I dedicated my life to saving you. And you consumed me. My mental health broke down, and I’m still working on recovering. Where do I go from here? I thought we could stay friends, but it just breaks me over and over again because you’ve never loved me.
And I’ve given so much to you.
That’s why I have to say good-bye to you today.
I’ve loved you so much, but I have to say good-bye.
And I hope I have the courage to grow stronger again without you.